Once the stick turns blue and a couple proudly announce to the world that they are having a baby, it prompts two very different reactions. The woman's friends will squeal with joy and offer congratulations, swiftly followed by gifts, including a few books, such as Vicki Iovine's "A Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy." The guys don't get anything better than the pre-requisite jokes along the lines of "Who's the father?"
But when you think about it, which one out of the two of them is more likely to need an instruction manual? Women have practically been in training to have a baby ever since they could walk. They think about it and plan for it constantly, not to mention talking to their friends about it incessantly. And the guys? Not quite so much. Fatherhood is a remote place they have heard about, but never really intended to visit. Sort of like Kansas.
So what does a pregnant guy need to know to survive a journey that lasts longer than a baseball season, spring training and playoffs included?
Nine months probably isn't long enough to cover all of the material required, so let's just keep it to the bare essentials. Here are five tips that will make a pregnant guy's life a heck of a lot easier:
Never Argue With a Pregnant Woman
Even having a sensible conversation with someone who is likely to burst into tears while making a cup of tea is going to be difficult, so trying to have an argument is tantamount to suicide. You're dealing with a woman whose hormones are currently set one notch below rage, so good luck. The best thing is to rely on the fact she will forget whatever it was that annoyed her inside 10 minutes.
Never Suggest That Your Wife Wear Her Maternity Clothes
Yes, being pregnant is the obvious time to wear maternity clothes; yes, she bought them because she had grown too big for her normal clothes. But even after you have watched her try in vain to squeeze into every other piece of clothing she owns, you must not fall into the obvious trap. You might as well take a full page ad in The Times that says: My Wife Is Fat!
Never Believe Tales of Pregnant Women and Nymphomania
Sure, some guys will tell you that while their wife was pregnant, she went through a stage where she wanted sex all the time. Firstly, it simply isn't true; secondly, even if it were true, it's not going to happen to your wife. Your advances will be brushed aside with even greater speed than usual, with not even a hint of a face-saving excuse like a headache. Just give up now and get some books.
Never Be Seen Actually Looking at Another Woman
Being pregnant, your wife is sure of only two things. A) That she is unattractive. B) That you also think she is unattractive. Therefore by default, should you pay the slightest bit of attention to any woman, it is because you find her more attractive than your wife. Never mind the faulty logic of this assumption, as your wife no longer possesses logic. And as for trying to defend your honor, remember point 1.
Never Tell Your Wife What Childbirth Really Looks Like
Women describe childbirth as a "beautiful" experience. And it is, as long as you mean on an emotional level. The physical aspect is quite a bit more messy, but they can't see that. If you happen to be down the business end, you'll discover there's precious little romance in childbirth. It's actually much closer to the John Hurt scene from Alien. And you're going to be introduced to a whole new range of bodily fluids that are going to leave a lasting impression. However, when your wife asks you what the birth was like, "beautiful" is the correct response.
If every "Pregnant Guy" just follows these five simple steps, the nine-month journey to fatherhood will go an awful lot more smoothly -- for both parties. Then, having successfully survived pregnancy and childbirth, all you need worry about is actually raising your child. Don't worry, there are plenty more books for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment